Topic 3.3: Assertiveness

“To speak your voice is perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of genuine dialogue” writes William Isaacs, in Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together (1999).^[1]

Later he challenges us to ask ourselves: “Who will play my music if I don’t play it myself?” (p169). He advises “a continuous willingness to ask yourself, What do I most long to create in the world? And why do I long to create it? … what might be at risk if you do not bring it out, as well as if you do?” (170).

The last part of Isaacs’ recommendation here may sound lofty, but it is grounded in the same principles we looked at in modules 1 and 2: what matters to us, what do we value, what are our strengths, what are the roles we are called to play, what are the high-value contributions we wish to make? These require voice. And, equally, the same things from those we work with require voice. Bringing out the best in ourselves and others is often dependent on dialogue (which literally means “through words”). So, managing ourselves, and others, requires that we find our voice – and help others find theirs.

Part of what Isaacs is addressing is “assertiveness”. “Assertiveness offers non-threatening techniques for interpersonal dialogue, as issues are confronted in a straightforward manner. People’s views are stated without being rude or thoughtless, and feelings are acknowledged and respected. Assertiveness is a way of expressing ourselves that is solution-oriented and may involve negotiation to reach an agreed outcome” ( Mohan, et al, 2004, Communicating as Professionals, 1st Ed.  p151).^[2]

In terms of communication style, some people seem naturally assertive, and others seem naturally reticent. (As we saw in Module 2, our introverted and extraverted preferences can have influence on these behaviours.)

Your DiSC (or other behavioural assessment tool) probably made some observations about your likely comfort or discomfort with assertiveness.

It is true that a lack of assertiveness can lead to inadequate influence – and conversely \ too much assertiveness can result in people feeling dominated or controlled.

Robert Bolton (People Skills 1998)^[3] summarises the issue like this, with an interesting observation about why we sometimes hold back from asserting ourselves:

The reasons we assert ourselves:

• to defend / protect ourselves
• to impact our environment and others in it in positive non-destructive ways; and

The reasons we don’t assert ourselves:

• we don’t respect ourselves enough to protect / defend or impact / express opinion / preference
• we don’t respect others enough to be honest, direct, impacting with them.

Interestingly, many people struggle to distinguish between assertive and aggressive behaviour and, as managers and leaders, it is important to ensure we are always being respectful in our engagement with others – even when needing to assert ourselves more deliberately.

Mohan, et al (2004) suggest the use of three-part “I” messages in appropriate assertiveness:

1. description of specific behaviour
2. description of your specific feelings
3. description of the tangible effects on you of the specific behaviour

And, finally, remember Isaacs’ (1999) principles of dialogue that we opened this section with. They remind us that assertiveness is not about winning or controlling but contributing our voice to greater shared understanding and learning. “In dialogues that seem to flow powerfully, people begin to realize that they are speaking to the common pool of meaning being created by all the people together and not to each other as individuals. They are seeking to gather a new quality of meaning and understanding together, in a dialogue, people are not just interacting, but creating together” (p174).